Never Let Go
by Freya-Kendra
Summary: Pre-Slash . When it appears as though Jack has walked out of his life for good, Daniel reveals deep set feelings.


**Never Let Go**

by Freya-Kendra

Daniel raised his hand to knock on the cabin door, but held back just before his knuckles connected with the wood. There was no need. Jack knew he was there. The cabin was in the middle of nowhere; Jack would have heard him coming from a mile away. His hand reaching for the pocket of his jeans, Daniel began to talk to the wood instead.

It matters, Jack. It all matters. Every poorly chosen word, every unguarded glance, all of it, every bit of it matters. Brought together, it all proves the face behind the mask, the man in the mirror. Im a fake, Jack. A fraud.

For all these years I thought Id been living my life for the sake of truth. Truth, justice and the American way. Just like Superman. Yeah. Right. More like Underdog. What the hell was I thinking? Sure, maybe it started out that way -- the truth and justice part, anyway. But you you did this to me, Jack. You made me what I am. You and your suicidal drive, your willingness to kill an entire people along with yourself -- and me -- and all for what? For the well-being of the Earth, for the sake of justice and the American way. But you forgot about truth, Jack.

I just dont know anymore whether my stupid quest for truth was purely for the sake of truth. I think maybe it was more about trying to show you the truth, to get you to see that theres so much more to life, to living, to being than any one, single experience, more than any one, single relationship, or even more than any one, single life.

Your son, Charlie, his death, it devastated you. It killed you, in many ways. You saw yourself as dead long before we found Abydos. The bomb was only going to prove it to everyone else. But every single life has value, even your own, Jack. Thats what Ive been trying to show you.

Death its the easy way out, but its never the answer. Sure, just send a bomb through the Stargate; kill them before they kill us. You should know by now that nothing is ever that simple. You kill one Goauld system lord, and you open the door to others. You win one battle against replicators, and you get a fleet of ships after you. You kill a hundred Jaffa and you leave a thousand wives, sons, daughters, fathers and mothers grieving. Its not about who shoots first. Its about finding the truth, and facing it, and dealing with it.

You did die on Abydos all those years ago, Jack. And so did I. Whatever we both were before, whoever we were Abydos changed us. I guess what Im saying is, the Jack ONeill who didnt want to live anymore allowed himself to die there, and the Jack ONeill who started to realize truth mattered was born. Sure, you proved that truth mattered by lying when you told everyone on Cheyenne Mountain that I died on Abydos. That just proves nothing is ever as black and white as the old Jack ONeill believed.

I died then, too. I let Dr. Jackson, the alien-chasing, academic nut-case die so I could become Dan-yel, husband to Share. But all I really did was go into hiding. When you came back for me well, I died again. I left that pretend life behind me, and I was just so lost. I didnt know who I was anymore. I didnt know what I was. I forgot about truth and started to focus on vengeance. But you helped me, Jack. You helped me to figure out who I really was, or maybe its more appropriate to say who I needed to become. You gave me life, Jack. And youre as much a part of that life as I am, myself.

I guess what Im saying is, I need you in my life, Jack. I want you in my life. If truth really matters, then thats my truth. I need you, Jack. I want the life youve shown me, the life youve given me. Can I live without you? Of course. Ill just shed another layer of skin and find another new person underneath. But I like this layer, Jack. Its the most comfortable, the most gratifying, the most *real* life I have ever known. I dont want another one.

Please, Jack. Im finally showing you my full truth, Im standing naked here, completely exposed for one, very simple reason: to show you how much I need you in my life. Stay with me, Jack. For today, for tomorrow, for as long as this world -- and this life -- will allow. Thats the entire truth, Jack, and the only truth that matters.

* * *

When the cabin door remained shut, Daniel Jackson dropped his head and turned away, ignoring the stray tear that left a trail on his cheek. It was over. It really was over. Jack ONeill had not only walked out of Daniels life, he had locked the door behind him. And for what? Because Daniel had said something stupid, something about the past not mattering anymore.

*Share and Charlie dont matter anymore.* That was exactly what hed said, and hed regretted it the instant he heard the words leave his tongue. All hed meant to say was that the past is behind them. It cant be changed. Only the future can be changed. If only hed said it just that way, maybe it would never have come to this final painful moment.

No, Daniel realized. Nothing is ever that simple. It wasnt just the words hed said, but also the ones that had for too long remained unspoken. It was the years of lying, of pretending. And so Daniel had gone to the cabin, to finally reveal himself, to finally say the words that mattered.

Jack would not even open the door.

Fighting back his tears now was proving to be the most difficult battle Daniel had ever encountered. When he heard the click of a lock behind him, he refused to turn. He couldnt bear to look back and see that nothing had changed.

Hey, Jacks voice called out from behind him. I thought you said you were naked. Liar. Here you had me all excited, and look at you. You might as well be wearing a parka.

Encouraged and afraid, Daniel turned slowly. His eyes caught Jacks, and one extended, unguarded glance said everything Daniels words had not. Without even once gazing away, Jack stepped toward Daniel, as Daniel stepped toward Jack. Another long moment passed watching, reading each others intentions. And then Jack drew Daniel into his arms. Daniel sank comfortably into the embrace, praying Jack would never let go.


End file.
